


Hope Or No Hope

by theheartchoice



Series: DeanCas Codas | Season 15 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Coda, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Misses Castiel, Grieving Dean Winchester, Hopeless Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mild Language, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15, Temporary Character Death, canon will make it right before the end don't worry, we all know it's temporary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27504697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theheartchoice/pseuds/theheartchoice
Summary: I know what I've wanted to write for Dean post-15x18 since the ep aired, but apparently re-watching That Scene™ and reading a bunch of other codas while I wait for 15x19 to download is the motivation I needed to get these vibes typed and posted before The Penultimate Ep inspires something else (and hopefully 15x19 matches up with my theory from the promo that Dean drives to meet Sam and Jack, not vice-versa). It's nothing big, just how I figure things might've gone down in canon.sorry not sorry(:
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: DeanCas Codas | Season 15 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676371
Kudos: 10





	Hope Or No Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I know what I've wanted to write for Dean post-15x18 since the ep aired, but apparently re-watching That Scene™ and reading a bunch of other codas while I wait for 15x19 to download is the motivation I needed to get these vibes typed and posted before The Penultimate Ep inspires something else (and hopefully 15x19 matches up with my theory from the promo that Dean drives to meet Sam and Jack, not vice-versa). It's nothing big, just how I figure things might've gone down in canon. ~~sorry not sorry~~ (:

Dean’s phone buzzes to life in his hand, bringing him back to the present. To this literal dungeon and this doomed fucking world and a God hell-bent on destroying everyone they care about before tossing the rest of 'em in the trash like his broken fucking toys. 

It's Sam. He'd meant to call Sam, tell him what happened. He'd tried—got as far as pulling his phone from his pocket, fingers moving on autopilot—but he couldn't make the call. How the hell could he? 

The weight of everything, this cursed fucking reality, is a heavy pull behind his ribs. Anguish burns hot and cold in his veins. There's a yawning chasm opening up where his heart should be, an emptiness as dark and all-consuming as the thing that took Cas. It hurts like entropy, like it's only a matter of time before he's swallowed whole from the inside out.

It's a worse fate than whatever Chuck could do to him. Sonuvabitch'd probably revel in it, too. He couldn't get the ending he wanted out of him and Sam but their suffering is his drug of choice, his fucking life-blood. He thrives on their pain. Who'd've guessed God was a sadistic fucker who gave the Devil himself a run for his money? 

Time passes, maybe. Grief wracks his body in aches and tears, his heart cold, his blood hot; rage surges in waves only to be quelled by an undercurrent of paralysing loss that numbs him to his bones; the ebb and flow of anger and despair like a storm at sea.

He's adrift. Lost. Alone. Surely close to drowning.

His cheeks are wet, cool tears tracking over heated skin—they don't stop coming, 'til they can't no more. Breaths come ragged and shallow, sapping what little energy he has left. 

He's so damn tired, in every way. Physically, emotionally, right down deep in his soul. Giving in, lying down and waiting on the end of the world seems like a reprieve. Billie's gone, Cas is—

There's no hope of beating Chuck now. 

But there's no rest for the cursed. His stomach turns against him, bile rising too quick to do anything but fold over and let it burn its way up and out of his throat. He manages to shove his phone out of the way just in time; the smallest of fucking mercies. 

He needs to get out of here. Out of this room, out of the bunker, get on the road and drive—drive to Sam, and Jack. 

His muscles protest movement, body strained and weak as he pushes up from the concrete floor and staggers to the doorway, chest heaving as every expand of his lungs taxes him. He waits there, braced against the frame as he works to steady his breathing and for some strength to return to his legs. 

He remembers what he said to Cas, that if this is the end then they should all be together. It's that realisation that bolsters him and propels him through the bunker with a single-minded determination to get in the Impala and fucking _drive_.

Plan or no plan, hope or no hope, he's gonna be with his family. 

Keys in the ignition he fires off a text to Sam— _omw_ —and guns it outta Lebanon. It's not until he reaches the intestate and slows to miles of scattered, empty vehicles that he realises what Chuck's done, but he needs to know for certain. He manages to dial, then, four rings 'til Sam picks up and it's a blurted, overlapping frenzy of questions and half-hearted reassurances. Sam's okay. Jack's okay. Dean doesn't say the words, but.. in the silence that follows his brother's question about Cas, Sam knows. 

It's usually nine hours to Hastings. It takes about the same, because even with no highway patrol there are still obstacles to navigate. The radio is all static. When he reaches a good stretch of empty road he thinks about shoving a tape in, but.. music feels _wrong_ , somehow. It's not the time for it even though he needs the distraction. The sky hangs low with storm clouds stretching to the horizon, but no rain falls. He drives faster. 

Baby's engine is white noise in his ears and it's the backdrop on which the day's events replay on a loop in his mind. Tears prick dried eyes and more bile threatens when he thinks of Cas. His _soul aches_. He pulls over more than once to dry-heave and the last time hooks a hand in the door compartment to keep from face-planting in the dirt. His fingers graze something—a cassette case, busted and empty—and everything goes quiet, 'til the silence turns deafening and resonates with the ever-present rage inside him. 

Cas was wrong. This anger has always been inside him and it always will be, no matter what else Cas saw, what Dean wanted so damn bad to believe could be true. 

He smashes the tape-deck with his fist, and when it's destroyed and his knuckles are torn and bloody he catches sight of more red in the door mirror: another hand, in someone else's blood, branded on his jacket just like it was on his skin all those years ago. 

He closes the door and pulls back onto the highway. As he drives the sky rumbles overhead. The clouds darken as he approaches the storm and the darkness inside him, the emptiness where Billie tried to break his heart, grows. There's nothing left to break. 

**Author's Note:**

> ♡ [like + reblog on tumblr](https://theheartchoice.tumblr.com/post/634645126067699712/coda-15x18) ♡
> 
> I swear I've not forgotten about my WIPs! I've been adding more and more to Chapter 2 of _Crazyhead_ every week so you can expect a nice long update when that happens. _HCTS_ is my indulgent AU so I've been avoiding it since season 15 returned from hiatus because I've been very canon-minded (sorry about that), but I'll be back to it soon and you can expect some new story art to go with it! ♡
> 
> _now please excuse me while i go watch 15x19..._


End file.
